Actually, God did create Adam and Steve

© Bill Lawrence

Steve didn't much care for the garden.

And although he had a strong swimmers body that Adam couldn't keep his eyes off of (except while hard at work naming animals,) Steve didn't particularly enjoy walking around naked. Oh, it wasn't that he was self conscious, really. Having little to compare himself to, human being wise, he felt no more or less blessed than Adam in the looks department and he ambled around the garden with a certain self assured ease. No, Steve's sense of disconnectedness was more than skin deep. Inside as well as out, he felt plain and undecorated. He gazed longingly at the graceful peacocks wandering down the Eden path that led to the pond and he could sit and count the spots on the mighty leopard for hours. He smiled at the site of the rose colored mid-underbelly of the brook trout and even the timid ladybug, with her fashionable black dots set his imagination whirling. Steve wanted to design. His mornings were spent sitting beneath the apple tree sketching new and better shapes for impala antlers and color schemes for female pheasants. God's ability to clothe every living creature in marvelous symmetry and mind bending colors was so inspirational that Steve could think of little else. His desire to emulate the wonder of God's designs was all encompassing and Steve's greatest wish.

And the devil knew it.

“Sssssssteeeeeevuh…..,” hissed the slithery Python one day, from a branch of the apple tree, “If you were only half as creative as God, the Kingdom of the less brilliantly clothed creatures could be yours to create designs for. Would this not pleeeeeeessssse you?”

“It really would,” said Steve, nibbling on the eraser of his pencil. “I mean, not for the fame or money aspect really, but just to have someplace to focus your creative energy. I mean, look at Adam. He's been assigned the job of “naming,” the animals and to tell the truth, I'm not trying to sound catty or overly critical but, c'mon---I mean—Newt?--Uhh—“Skunk?” I mean, how do ya think ‘em up, Adam? But anyway, what I'm saying is; at least Adam has the “creative work” thing going and I think that's what I'm missing here. The creative work thingy---whatever you call it.”

“But, Ssssssteeeeevuh—if you were to take but one bite of the apple of the tree of knowledge, you--

“Excuse me just a minute, dear. (Yelling) Adam? Sweety don't stare at the baboons, okay? They hate it! No, really, anything simian looking? Don't give them eye contact, they go right out of their minds. They'll attack you, I'm serious.”

“I'm sorry, where were we?”

“The sssssecond you bite into the app---“

“Poor guy. He means well, but, I'm not kidding, do you see that big ol' horned--cow like thingy grazing over there? Guess what he calls that? Just guess. He calls it a Yak….”

“ Yak! I kid you not”

“Ssssteeeevvuh, what I'm trying to tell you issss that the keeeyyysssss to the wisdom of God himself lie in one bite….”

“S'like this one time?....He's standing there pointing at this little worm like thing on the ground and he says, “Grub,” and I'm like—what did you, just burp? Cover your mouth. Use some man--ners, Adam. Crimeny. But he was, I dunno, I guess he was naming some insect or something. But, I mean, GRUB? Poor little wormy thing is like, “Oh, thank you so much, Adam. Great name there, I really appreciate it. I'll go tell my wife, Mrs. Grub , about our new name. She'll love it.”

“I mean. Don't' get me wrong. Adam's great. But I…..Oh, forget it. Don't mind me, I've been bitchy all morning. It's just that…..”

Steve covered his face with his hand and began to sob.

“I need a cigarette. I hate it here. I've decided I want to move out.”

And so he did. To the land of Nod, which was not as physically beautiful as Eden, but…

“Well, that's true, but I think Nod has a lot of potential. No, seriously, I'm looking forward to putting my own little—you know—“splash of color” on this place. But there's this sort of edgy vibe out here that I really like. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a big fish in a small pond for a little while. I mean, Eden's a gorgeous place and there's a lot going on over there, but it is soooo restrictive! But do NOT make the mistake of thinking I'm bitter. I'm really not. I am so grateful to Adam and to God and all those guys for sorta kicking me right square in the ol' keister and making me realize my own potential. And really-sincerely, I do wish Adam well. I hope that he—you know---finds somebody who can, I don't know— compliment the things that he does well.”

And so it was that a helpmate named Eve was given unto Adam….

“Ex—cuse me? Given unto? Umm, no. More like STOLEN from the side of his body. And Adam had really well defined ribs. And have you seen her? Oh, my gosh. I mean, okay—fine, she's cute. I love her hips. But what a smoldering bitch! She is soooo manipulative. And she knows exactly what she's doing, don't kid yourself. She's got Adams head so far up his butt he'll do anything she asks.”

“But don't quote me on that. The last thing I wanna do is get on her bad side.”